5. Steak and Pork Platter – Pecos Bill – Magic Kingdom
Boy oh boy is this a platter drenched in deliciousness. Let’s start with the hamburg…I mean 12-ounce petite filet mignon, expertly char-grilled and aged no less than 12 hours. That’s right. They don’t microwave it until you’re in the general vicinity of ordering it. It’s topped with a mouth watering pesto sauce that would make even Olive Garden blush. Mama mia! Next up is the cornbread. Baked to a consistency that makes it perfect for those recovering from major jaw surgery, the cornbread will melt in your mouth because it was never solid to begin with. Counts as a beverage on the Disney Dining Plan. Spooned from the giant pork vat of pleasure, this Colorado-style BBQ pork is much easier to shovel into your hungry mouth than any of that nonsense in between a bun. I just wish I could dig into that vat of pleasure with a bigger spoon. How could I forget the salsa? What does it go on? What doesn’t it go on, friend. Spoon a little bit onto everything. Finishing up with the corn, which is cooked just long enough that it’s literally falling off the cob to satisfy you. So savory.
4. Burrito Premium Hot Dog – Fairfax Fare – Hollywood Studios
There are few things Disney loves more than guests sharing food. If they had it their way, everyone would book Be Our Guest dinner and share a single cupcake. Enter Mickey Hybrid Entrees™, which are half-vegetarian, half-meat-glorious. As you can see above, the hot dog covers exactly 50.0% of the tortilla, making this perfect for couples to share when one is busy saving the world, while the other senselessly murders animals for food. Those selfish enough to eat one of these by themselves will have a hard time deciding which half is their favorite. Personally, I prefer the hot dog half. With the sour cream creating a wet, slippery canvas, trying to get it in your mouth is sort of like playing with a damp badger. Delicious.
It’s coming right for you. How convenient!
3. Tabbouleh Pita – Gasparilla Grill – Grand Floridian Resort and Spa
If there’s one thing in this world I love, it’s got to be balls. And that’s one thing this pita offers in spades. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything more palatable in my life. The website’s highest recommendation.
2. Pasta Primavera with Shrimp – Tomorrowland Terrace – Magic Kingdom
If your favorite pasta sauce isn’t cold balsamic vinaigrette salad dressing then I’m going to punch you in the face until it is. This is amazing. The shrimp are so gummy that you can literally bounce them off the floor into your mouth. Give it a try! The pasta was cooked no longer than two days ago, making this some of the freshest food on property. The Terrace isn’t always open, but when it is, I prefer the Pasta Primavera.
1. Angus Pizza Burger – Cosmic Ray’s Starlight Cafe – Magic Kingdom
One fine afternoon last year, I was whimsically skipping down Main Street toward the exit, Tinker Bell balloon in hand. A Disney cast member asked if I would like to participate in a brief survey. Knowing Disney surveys are never brief and often contain 50 or more questions, I jumped at the opportunity. Question 67 was: What are your ideal hamburger toppings? Pickles, avocado, lettuce, and other ridiculous toppings were included, but my eyes were drawn straight to “old ham” and “salsa.” I was so adamant about these toppings appearing on a Disney burger that I walked back up and down Main Street over 100 times in an attempt to be selected to fill out the survey again and again. I was chosen three more times and skipped straight to question 67, marking old ham and salsa each time. And that’s what we have here with the Angus Pizza Burger. A burger mercilessly grilled until it’s bone-dry topped with an unidentifiable cheese, salsa, slice of ham from last year’s Easter celebration, and a single canned mushroom. Let me tell you – the work I put into this thing was all worth it. The best burger in the world.
While Dazney paid for all of the food pictured, I am under no obligation to write about it. And I’m totally not worried that if I didn’t report on it that Dazney wouldn’t invite me back out for free food. And the fact that I’ll do anything to remain on the Dazney gravy train in no way causes me to report back with blindingly positive comments about everything I experience on property. In other words, you can totes trust me.
i just threw up in my mouth
I walk down memory lane, I would order the tabbouleh pita.
Thanks. You have inspired me to stick to my diet this week.
I was planning on ignoring everything on the Internet for April Fool’s Day, but you started early … no fair!
RIP Angus Pizza Burger…
This is great, Josh!!
The worst part is thinking about how you actually purchased and consumed all of them, yikes.
Thanks, Josh. April Fools to you as well.
I gotta stop coming here first thing in the morning.
Ahhh… it’s 1st April…. and I was like “The best ??? you cannot be serious….”
I just said to my daughter that I thought Josh must be drunk, but then I realized the date. Happy April Fools Day!
You got me. Ga-ross.
What you did there – I see it.
I don’t remember the crunchy little balls review…what were they? Seriously funny stuff.
I didn’t even realize it was April Fool’s Day until reading the comments. I just figured Josh was being his usual hilarious and sarcastic self.
Ick
Yea, the best part is definitely that Josh actually ate all of those.
All 5 are really, really gross-looking. Do people know what they’re getting when they order these things, or are they “surprised”?
Ewww. Enough said. Happy April Fool’s.
I am interested in what the crunchy balls are too, b/c I think other than the weird addition of “balls” the pita meal looks ok. The pizza burger takes the cake as the grossest meal I think I have ever seen, in addition to the strangest interpretation of what a pizza burger might look like anywhere ever.
I just lost my breakfast. Yuck!
Very funny, as usual!
One question, though – has no one ever heard of tabbouleh, or chick peas?
oh yummy .. jumping up and down
can’t wait to lose my breakfast… GAG!
Thanks Josh..now… how about DENIED or was that a joke too?
Yagggg. Josh, I know you ordered those items to eat, but did you actually finish them? As in every last bite? If you did then I have got to hand it to you for your stick-to-it-iveness because I couldn’t have done it!
And yah, the pizza burger deserves its placement at #1.
I detect a wee bit of sarcasm here…..
Phyllis,
Love tabbouleh and chick peas. We have a large middle eastern population nearby and the food is fantastic. I’m assuming what Disney presented was not up to snuff!
I enjoyed the tabbouleh at Tangierine Cafe in Epcot.
Everything I miss about Disneyworld….thanks for a good laugh, my husband thinks your funny, too
Neither tabouleh, nor chick peas are supposed to look like THAT, yuck… I think that Josh deserves a medal, or at least a bottle of scotch, for having had the intestinal fortitude (and I mean that in the most literal sense) to have sampled these.
I always eat every bite. If I’m going to pay $10 for a hamburger, you better bet that it’s going to be consumed. No matter what it takes!
After a long day in the drudgery of retail, this made me laugh my ass off! Thank you Josh!
They all look simply delicious to me. Great picks Josh, LOL
@Stephanie – Really? I googled Tabbouleh (and chick peas) and they look just like that (minus the pita.)
I bet you didn’t have to wait 85 minutes for any of these feasts though… 🙂
Lol, I thought you were on crack, until I remembered it was April 1st. Ha ha ha. You got me fair and square.
Every time I scroll past that hotdog/burrito/hell thing I get queasy. Please don’t ever make us look at that again. Shudder.
2 words(ish): Totes Hilar.
That is the real cool iphone accessory with completely hand-made with artificial jewelry, which makes your iphone to be the unique look.
I’m confused. Are all you people on the other side of the world? In my dimension it’s March 31st. Or at least for 30 more minutes..
Thank you for the laugh!
Ha ha…. didn’t you do something like this before last year.
You just insulted wet badgers.
First time back to site since our September trip. Forgot what I was missing. Hillarious as always! Thanks for the laughs, Josh! Keep up the good work.
I guess there are some things id pick sushi over but not many
Thanks Josh for the food memories. What a way to start the week!
Awwww, I remember this post.
How many drinks did you have while writing this? Laughed til I cried! Thanks Josh!
Crying. (from laughter…and a little bit of sadness)
Hilarious! That “hotdog” was WAY too close for comfort! I can’t believe that item exists!
“If there’s one thing in this world I love, it’s got to be balls.”
Best quote of the day.
I’m wondering if the balls in the pita can also “literally” be bounced off the floor into one’s mouth.
Eeewwww – clearly you have the constitution of a billy goat, Josh! Thanks for taking five for the team!! I feel like I should send you a bottle of Pendleton as a thank you.
so glad that April Fools Day is in fact ONLY ONE DAY!…your having way too much fun!
Leah-
I was confused for a bit too. And then I realized that the dimension they live in is 2012.
It should come as no surprise that Josh graduated Summa Cum Laude from the Bourdain School of Culinary Appreciaton!
Best quick service? Huh.?
“Spooned from the giant pork vat of pleasure”. LOL!
This is “literally” the funniest food review ever. 🙂
“If your favorite pasta sauce isn’t cold balsamic vinaigrette salad dressing then I’m going to punch you in the face until it is.”
This sentence made waking up today worth it.
I just can’t… sooooo funny LOLOL!!!!
I think a little part of me died inside when I ate that disgusting Angus Pizza Burger. Literally. Even worse, I ordered it after having read your review of it…
I cannot quit laughing! At first, when I saw the first picture, I thought, “How can he possibly be serious that is is a favorite”? Halfway through I started laughing and will continue to do so until tomorrow afternoon. Thanks for starting my day so well.
Btw ….. you are so right on!! We have taken to just making our own meals in lieu of counter service.
Yum! Thanks for the review. I Plan to eat my own body weight in food every day when we visit in August!
I thought it couldn’t get funnier than “With the sour cream creating a wet, slippery canvas, trying to get it in your mouth is sort of like playing with a damp badger. Delicious.”
But then “If your favorite pasta sauce isn’t cold balsamic vinaigrette salad dressing then I’m going to punch you in the face until it is.” happened.
And every word in the Angus Pizza burger review.
Oh the memories you really took some for the team. I still think the tabouli doesn’t look so bad. Nothing says yum like some balls.
I laughed until I cried. In fact, I’m still laughing and crying! That was awesome!
I don’t get it, Big Dan…
“If they had it their way, everyone would book Be Our Guest dinner and share a single cupcake.”
What foresight! Who would have guessed you were predicting BOG breakfast in 2016?