Disney to Release “Duffy Merchandises Mars”

EXCLUSIVE: Andrew Stanton has been tapped to direct a Russian language sequel to John Carter, tentatively titled, “Duffy Merchandises Mars.”  The original John Carter broke all kinds of records in Russia, grossing a whopping 6.5 million dollars in its first day.  Widely considered to be a box office bomb in every other country on Earth, Disney looks to expand Duffy’s dominance in Japan to the former Soviet Union.

We have an exclusive interview with Andrew Stanton:

Mr. Stanton, thanks so much for taking the time to sit down with the Internet’s 319th most popular website about Walt Disney World.

Josh, it’s my pleasure, but I seriously doubt your website is that popular.

I stopped listening after “pleasure.”  The film’s tagline is, “In Russia, Duffy dresses you.”  Do you think that plays to the stereotype that everything is backwards in Russia?

No, not at all.  John Carter was successful in Russia because we didn’t market it there.  Obviously they don’t really have televisions, news, or the Super Bowl, so Disney’s marketing team didn’t have a chance to completely slaughter any chance that the film would be successful.

That didn’t really answer my question, but I respect your Hollywood candor.  What’s the film about?

Basically it follows Duffy the Disney Bear as he arrives in Russia.  He sets up shop in a gazebo at the base of Lake Ladoga near Saint Petersburg.  Then he starts cutting deals with the local (capitalist) shops.  The plan is to sell the townspeople the bear first and then convince them that they need to purchase different outfits for their bear using subliminal messages, subversive marketing, and oversaturation.

So it’s basically the same way Duffy arrived at Epcot?

Yes, but with a budget that would make Michael Bay blush.

Is there any artwork for the film you’d like to share?

Yes, here’s the first poster for the film:

Oh wow, is that font “Impact?”

Yes, we spared no expense with this film.

Mr. Stanton, thanks so much for joining us.  We’re looking forward to a dubbed version hitting the United States at some point in the future.

Yes, we’re hoping it will be as popular as The Secret World of Arrietty.  Thanks and see you next time.

So there you have it people, John Carter will be seeing a sequel after all.  What’s next, a 100 million dollar simulator attraction in Future World West?  Oh wait.